Newcomer’s Guide to Planet Earth by Hermione Cam

Hello and welcome to Planet Earth, the primary location in which all forms of life take place. We are delighted to have you here and we do hope you enjoy your stay with us. Planet Earth is a generally hospitable environment with a pleasant atmosphere, and we at the WWWHQ (Whole Wide World Headquarters) will do our best to ensure that your life experience is a comfortable and enjoyable one.

Before entering Planet Earth, we urge you take some time to read through the enclosed information pack, along with your details, which we have provided for you. Thank you for reading and on behalf of the WWWHQ, we wish you a wonderful life!

Mother Nature (Earthly Administrator/Founder at WWWHQ)

NB: Please note that we cannot confirm the expiration date of your life, neither can we confirm whether your life is able to continue in a different realm following its Earthly expiration. If you are concerned about such issues, we encourage you to contact our team at OTWE (Out of This World Enquiries), who are happy to offer their advice and perspectives on any queries you may have.

What to Expect on Your First Day as a Human Being:
Your first day on earth can certainly be a confusing one. After having spent your entire previous existence floating around in a careless haze of cosmos, entering the World, a place so engrained in material reality, proves, to most newcomers to be something of a shock. However, in order to ease the comfort of your stay, members of the WWWHQ will erase such memories by the time you reach the earthly age of two years old. Please note that this process of erasure cannot be guaranteed to be completely effective, although it is proven to have a 98% success rate, according to Worldly surveys, which work to record the individual memories of each living organism. If you have any queries regarding the memory erasure process, our members of staff would be more than happy to talk to you about it (see contact details).

Day 1 is best described as a slippery experience, in all senses of the word! If you are reading this, we can only assume that you have entered the nine month waiting period. Congratulations! This is the time in which you will make the necessary developments required, in order for you to enter this world as a Human Being. During this time, our staff at Womb Service promise to make your stay as comfortable and pleasant as possible.

One of the key differences between the Womb and the Outside World is the temperature. We recommend you enjoy the warmth of the Womb whilst it lasts, because the world outside the comfortable fluids of your mother’s body is bitterly cold by comparison. The cold, however, is something that your newly formed body will adjust to fairly quickly. The change in light is another factor which we must urge you to prepare yourself for. Whilst the home your mother is currently providing for you is completely dark, the outside world is blazing with artificial light, created to suit Human eyes. The sight of light may initially come as a shock to eyes which are only accustomed to total darkness. Depending on the current stage of development you are in, your body is not likely to be fully formed, and henceforth, you do not yet require earthly eyes. Once you have entered the World, you will spend, and are encouraged to spend, most of your first day sleeping. We do, however advise you to try and take as
much detail in as possible, as it will help you adapt quickly to your surroundings.

The transition from the Womb to the Outside World will feel a little bit like being squeezed through a soft, slippery tube. This experience is not, as a general rule painful, although you are likely to feel a certain amount of discomfort. The initial shock will be immense, as it would be for anyone who is wrenched from the familiarity of their own home. We cannot emphasise further the importance of reading through this manual as well as seeking support from our staff, who will do their best to ease your mind of any worries you may have and do all they can to help make the process less distressing for you.

The first thing you will see after having left your mother’s body, will, in most cases, be the face of the midwife[2]. This may depend on where you are born (i.e. whether you are born in the hospital[3] or in your mother’s home). The sight of your first fellow Human Being can often be extremely overwhelming, which is why we have provided you with a detailed selection of various images of Human Beings from all over the World. Be sure to make a note of the difference between a male and a female, as well as differentiating ethnic backgrounds and which part of the world the Human in question originates from. From studying these images, you will no doubt observe that, despite their many differences, all Humans share the same features: the eyes, which sit almost halfway down the face, the nose, which runs down between the eyes, and the mouth, which rests between the nose and the chin, at the bottom of the face. Arms, legs, hands and feet enable the human body to move around, to touch and take hold of things, as the midwife will take hold of you, in order to ensure that you enter the World safely.

A brain lies inside your skull and controls everything: messages sent from the brain to the body allow you to walk, talk, think and generally engage in day to day life. Each individual Human’s brain works slightly differently. It is arguably what makes you You.
After breathing in and surviving on the amniotic fluids and tissue provided by your mother, the concept of air is certainly an alien prospect to the majority of Earthly newcomers. Although it is something we have frequently discussed with our Earthly applicants, the first gasp of air is, nevertheless, an enormous shock to your fragile system. It has been described as a little like being slapped across the face by icy hands. It is unpleasant, but over fairly quickly. In order to adapt to this new form of respiration, newcomers must attempt to fill their lungs[4] with as much air as possible. Statistics reveal that the most effective way of achieving this is to cry. Crying[5] is important at this particular stage, as it allows more air to enter and inflate the lungs. In most cases, a newcomer’s natural reaction is to cry, in response to the total confusion and unfamiliarity of the situation in which he/she is placed.

Shortly after you have been born, you will be taken away from your mother to be cleaned up. You will have arrived into the World, bringing with you a puddle of fluids, which will need to be removed from your body in order for your mother to hold you. You will be wrapped in warm, soft sheets, which, studies have shown, will help you to drift into a deep sleep. Sleeping is all that is really required of newcomers, or ‘Babies’ as is the common term used in the Outside World. After a day or so (if born in the hospital) you will, as is the norm, be taken to mother’s home, where the opening stage of your life will take place.

Being You: How to get the most out of your Life

Throughout the course of your earthly existence, you will inevitably encounter various different philosophies which attempt to unravel the objective or ‘The Meaning of Life.’ You will, depending on your personal circumstances (your geographical location, what family you are born into etc.) be given the opportunity to become part of a spiritual Religion, if you so wish. Although they differ from, and in many cases, disagree with one another, all of these Religions appear to share a common belief in either one or many gods (see Tool Kit) and the certainty of life after death[6]. As mentioned previously, we at the WWWHQ are advised not to answer questions regarding this particular topic, at the risk of causing a great deal of confusion. We urge you to
direct any queries to OTWE, a hotline consisting of experienced researchers who are more thanhappy to delve into and deal with matters of the Unearthly sort.

Each Human Being is formed individually, and therefore no two are the same, whether this be physically or mentally. This means that each will have a unique response to their surroundings in which they are placed. It is important to take this into account during interactions with your fellow species. This will help them to feel happy and comfortable in their surroundings, as well as enabling you to form substantial friendships, which is, in the eyes of many, an important ingredient for a positive and emotionally enriching life. However, doing so requires empathy[7] along with the ability to judge a person’s character, rare qualities that few Human Beings truly
possess. These abilities can be cultivated over time.

Life on Earth offers no obvious objective, which leads to Human Beings attempting to
achieve objectives of their own. Depending on the society in which you live, your success, as you grow older, will most often be measured by factors such as: how much money[8] you earn, how many friends you have, how good you look, your husband/wife[10], how intelligent you are etc. Despite the positive and rewarding aspects of life, the World can also be a very cruel place. Certain ‘‘elite’’ areas of Earth are extremely affluent, whereas the people in other areas must survive on little to no money at all. Economic factors may change over time. The WWWHQ is prohibited from disclosing specific details as to which areas of the Earth are at a current economic advantage, but we encourage you to prepare yourself for all possible eventualities.

Success on Earth can also be measured through comparisons and through other people’s opinions. You may, for instance, feel inferior to another Human, merely because they are better at something than you are or because they have a nicer home or a better-paid job. Similarly, you may also feel superior to someone if you possess positive earthly attributes or material belongings that they do not have. A simple way to achieve happiness on Earth is to avoid making such comparisons. This is a simple yet difficult practice to put into action. A Human Being’s ability to be completely at peace with himself/herself is a gift that can be developed over time. The World is by no means a perfect place, and in the same way that you will experience great joy and happiness throughout the course of your life, you will also undoubtedly experience loss and sadness. Consequently, many Human Beings spend their lives striving to find that same wholeness that they felt in their mother’s womb. This is unwise. In order to achieve contentment on Earth, you must embrace the suffering as well as the joy.


We at the WWWHQ are obligated to frequently remind our earthly applicants of the risks that come with choosing to begin your life on Planet Earth. You have been chosen as one of our successful candidates as we believe that you possess the personal qualities desirable to maintain a stable and satisfactory existence, and to contribute positively to our Earthly society. However, this is not something we are able to guarantee. Although it has been established that you will enter Planet Earth as a Human Being, we cannot yet confirm any further details regarding your identity. These details, which include gender, ethnic background, neurology, sexuality, and the location/environment of your earthly entrance (e.g. your family’s economic circumstances), will inevitably inform how other Human Beings will respond to you, and may be of a risk to your health and safety. Human Beings are unpredictable by nature, and can be as cruel as they are kind. If this is something you feel you are not prepared to endure, please contact us immediately, so that we may postpone or terminate your application, as you desire.

[1] A time period of approximately 274 days
[2] The human whose role it is to deliver newcomers from the womb
[3] A centre in which unwell human beings are cared for. It is also a place in which human beings are brought into the world.
[4] Organs which lie inside the human body, enabling the human to breathe
[5] An expression of extreme human emotion, in most cases caused by sadness or distress. When a human cries, he/she produce tears: salty water droplets which emerge from the eyes. Depending on how distressed the human is, it may also cause them to breathe very quickly or heavily, and therefore, take in great gulps of air.
[6] The termination of your Earthly Existence
[7] The ability to understand the World from another Human Being’s perspective
[8] A currency, made for the purposes of buying and selling. Human Beings use money to purchase materials things. Those with the most money are those with the most power.
[9] The work you must do in order to earn money
[10] Terms used to describe a Life Partner to whom you are legally bound